Yearning
by afreezingnote
Summary: Spock Prime once said, "You may find that having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting." Perhaps he was wrong.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own them. I want this to be a three-part piece. The other two would be of Spock's perspective and then them together. I don't have a lot of time right now though, since school is about to be out. Should I go on?

...

I am not crying because my first officer doesn't trust me. I'm James T. Kirk, Captain of the _USS Enterprise_. I am also not a liar. Okay. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah.

I'm crying because Spock doesn't trust me.

I'm sitting here, alone, in one of my briefing rooms with my feet in the chair, my arms wrapped firmly around my knees, and the privacy lock engaged, crying.

I'm crying because my _Vulcan_ first officer said one little chiding thing to me. It wasn't even a big deal. It wasn't hostile, and I think he even meant it humorously. It doesn't change the fact that even that much doubt from him cut me to the core.

_What is my problem?_ I'm the captain, I'm not supposed to cry.

JTK doesn't fuck around—well, not like that. And I don't even want to do the kind I'm known for anymore. I'm supposed to be in control of myself. At all times.

God damn it!

What happened was I said something flirtatious to Uhura and Spock told me off in that gentle Vulcan way of his. I'm pretty sure he knows that I was just teasing her. His statement of claim was intended to be playful. An act of friendship for me.

That's the irony of this situation. This totally bullshit situation.

He thinks I want Uhura. Sure, I used to, but that couldn't be further from the truth now.

I know what I want.

It's something I can't have.

I want what belongs to _Nyota_ Uhura. (I can say it in my head. She can't cut my nuts off for that.)

Where did my masculinity go?

I want Spock.

Yes, I do. More than I have ever wanted anything. Just as much as I wanted this shining silver lady and these stripes on my shirt.

_God_, I can taste him in my imagination. How pathetic am I? Yeah. Go ahead and say it. Fucking pathetic.

I sigh and my inner turmoil settles. The tears stop flowing, and I regain myself. Fuck this. I don't believe in no-win scenarios. I'm James Tiberius Kirk, and I get what I want. I'll just have to think about being all mature and patient with this one, but, one day, _he will be mine_.


	2. Chapter 2

"_How important is it, Spock?"_

"_It is the most important piece of my culture, Nyota."_

"_I need time to think about it, okay?"_

"_Certainly Nyota, but I must impart to you that your decision will decide the fate of our relationship."_

"_Spock--"_

"_Nyota, I understand your reasoning. I will always care for you no matter your conclusion. You must do what is best for yourself, so I may also do what is best for me."_

"_Can we try again?"_

"_If you are certain that you do not wish to wait." She nodded._

"_My mind to your mind," I murmured as I fit my fingers against Nyota's meld points. Nothing happened._

_Nyota sighed. "Spock, I can't. I just… It doesn't work…"_

"_It does appear that our minds are not compatible."_

"_I'm so sorry, Spock."_

"_You have no need to apologize, Nyota. Telepathic contact is not natural to you. I am sorry that…"_

"_I understand, Spock. You're still my best friend, okay?" Nyota tried to keep her composure, but could not restrain her tears._

"_As you are mine, Nyota."_

I snapped out of my recollection to the sound of my captain's voice. "Spock, are you okay?"

"I am adequate."

"If you say so, Spock. If you want to talk about it, you know I'm here. Chess tonight?"

"That would be agreeable, sir."

"Good. My quarters 2030."

…

When I stepped into the captain's quarters, he was wearing civilian clothing. Loose, but accentuating, light-blue jeans and a black v-neck to be precise. The way my body responded to him, as if I were hyperaware of his very presence, was troubling to me. I must require more meditation.

I blame my weakened shields for the fact that my eyes do not wish to be torn away from my captain's form. I recognize that he is aesthetically appealing, and I have long ago come to terms with my bisexuality. Is the strange draw I feel toward my captain the reason for my subdued reaction to the termination of my relationship with Nyota? I was disappointed and regretful, but not truly emotionally scarred. It is of no matter because Jim would not want me as a mate.

Though I am cognizant of the illogic of my shamefully poetic thoughts, I could not help but recall, with some regret, the meld Jim and I had shared in the line of duty. The connection had been brief, but in those moments, I could see that his mind was truly a thing of wonder. It is, however, natural for a Vulcan to seek mental harmony with others, and after my unfortunate encounter with Nyota, remembering the sensation of Jim's mind is a forgivable indulgence.

For the second time that day, Jim startled me from my thoughts as he set a cup of tea before me and sat on the other side of the table.

"So, Spock," he began, making the first move with a pawn, "is everything alright? You seem kind of out of it."

I hesitated to respond to him, but decided that, since Jim _is_ my friend, I should be able to speak with him about such things.

"I will further endeavor not to allow personal matters to influence my performance," I said. Though Jim seemed to want to contradict my assessment of my behavior, I continued before he could comment. "However, I am willing to offer you an explanation."

He looked pleased and waited for me to continue. "Nyota and I have ended our relationship."

An emotion I could not name flashed through his eyes before he composed himself. Was it excitement?

"I'm sorry, Spock. Do you want to talk about it?"

I speculated that he might be interested in pursuing Nyota, as she once told me he had tired to woo her, but it seemed that his concern for me overruled his other prerogatives. His sincerity and that gentle smile convinced me to continue.

I took his knight and responded, "It was inevitable. Vulcans have customs that require more between partners than simple marriage. A pair must telepathically bond and Nyota's mind was not compatible with mine."

Jim was always eager to learn about my culture, and I should have predicted his next question.

"How do you determine if two minds are compatible?"

"A meld must be initiated between the partners if possible."

"It isn't possible for some people?"

"Indeed not. At times it can be extremely difficult or impossible."

"That's weird. It wasn't difficult when you melded with me, was it?"

"It was not, though the doctor and Engineer Scott were more unyielding." Jim has such a way of asking questions that make me hedge my answers.

…

The night wore on and we played two more matches. Jim secured one win and held his own in the others. His skill is improving. He is becoming a rewarding challenger.

He yawned and stretched extensively after he tipped his king to me. His posture exposed his neck in a most distracting manner before he rose and escorted me to the door.

"Thank you, Spock."

I raised an eyebrow at him. "For what reason do you owe me gratitude?"

"I enjoy when you open up to me. I really appreciate that you trust me that much."

"I value your company, Jim."

"That's high praise from a Vulcan?"

I heard the question in his voice and offered him my assurance. "Indeed. Goodnight, Jim."

He laughed softly before replying, "Goodnight Spock."


	3. Chapter 3

**I feel like such a bastard for being happy that Spock and Uhura broke up, but I really can't help myself. **_**He's single! **_**It almost makes me want to sing praises, but as my, though I hesitate to say it, love would say, that would be highly illogical.**

**I hate how he reduces me to acting like a teenage girl, but at the same time, I love it. I've never felt like this before. That's right folks--James T for Tomcat Kirk is totally smitten. Sometimes I wonder at how it isn't painfully obvious to him, since he's a genius and all.**

**Like right now. We were eating breakfast together, and he got a comm to come to the labs before bridge shift. I'm gazing after him in a manner I hope looks less like the love-struck fool than I feel. **

**I guess that hope is futile since all of sudden the view I was enjoying turns into a suspicious, and slightly angry looking Nyota Uhura.**

**I look up at her and ask, "Is there something I can do for you lieutenant?"**

"**Yeah, Jim," she replied icily, "You can stop looking at Spock like that. He's not someone you can fuck and leave. He deserves better than that."**

"**Well, I guess it's good that I have absolutely no desire to fuck him and leave."**

"**Don't try to bullshit me, Kirk. I've seen you pick people up before and you were just giving Spock's backside a huge case of I-want-to-nail-you eyes."**

"**I didn't say that the entirety of your statement was false, did I lieutenant?" I shot her the smirk that I knew infuriated her **

"**Is that your convoluted way of trying to say you actually have feelings for him?" **

"**That's not really your business is it?"**

"**Spock may not be my boyfriend anymore, but he's still my closest friend. If you intend to go after him, it is my business."**

"**This really isn't a conversation we should be having in the mess." I sobered and gave her my captain face.**

"**We have approximately thirty minutes remaining before shift, sir. Where would you prefer to have this conversation?"**

**I sighed as I stood. Nyota Uhura gets what she wants, and even I'm not stupid enough to fight it for too long. I led the way to my quarters, and plopped down in my desk chair. I waited for her to say something, but she didn't seem forthcoming. **

**In fact, she was glaring at me like a Romulan goon. "You wanted to talk?" I prompted.**

"**We both know that you've never had a serious relationship," she began.**

**I couldn't let that slide though. She judges me on the way people stereotype me, not how I really am and that just isn't fair.**

"**Frankly, Uhura, you don't know anything about me."**

"**The longest relationship you ever had was with Gary Mitchell wasn't it?"**

"**Yes, it was."**

"**You cheated on him. A lot."**

"**I didn't cheat on Gary Mitchell. He didn't want my commitment, so I didn't give it to him." I'm afraid that I sounded slightly bitter when I said that. I had cared about Gary a great deal, but he hadn't wanted to have the "reputation of a faggot" as he put it.**

**Her aurally sensitive ears didn't miss my emotional indicator either, and she appeared appropriately subdued when she asked, "You loved him?"**

**I gave her a heavy looked and then concentrated on the floor, defeated. "I did everything and everyone not to, but I wasn't completely successful."**

"**I'm sorry, Jim."**

"**It doesn't really matter now, Uhura. Gary Mitchell is quite dead, and therefore cares even less than usual about my feelings for him." **

**Gary died on the **_**Farragut**_** during the **_**Narada Incident**_**. We hadn't been together for a while before that, but I'm still nursing those wounds. However, they pale in comparison to the giddy feeling Spock inspires in me.**

"**I'm still sorry, Jim. You're right. I shouldn't have judged you for something I didn't understand."**

"**You couldn't have known, lieutenant," I conceded, "You only know what I show you."**

"**Maybe we could do something to fix that?" she offered in the friendliest tone of voice she had ever taken with me.**

"**That's up to you Uhura."**

"**Just be careful with him," she countered as she prepared to leave.**

"**As he if even likes me that way," I murmured.**

**She threw a glance over her shoulder that I couldn't interpret as the door swished open.**

**Why is it that women always manage to ruin my good mood? Whatever the answer might be, it's a prime reason **_**not**_** to have serious relationships with them.**

**I got up to head to the bridge early. Taking my chair in the only lady I'll ever love would help me shrug this off. Besides, it's nothing that a few minutes of watching Spock bend over his scanner won't cure.**


	4. Chapter 4

I apologize for the ridiculously long wait. And for the quality of the writing. It isn't my best, but not fairly to those of you who want to know what's going to happen, I've been focused on my work (and life-how college does make you busy) outside of fanfiction. I can't promise regular updates, but I intend to finish the stories I've started even if it takes forever to do it.

* * *

It took me seven meditative cycles to analyze and compartmentalize my emotions surrounding the cessation of my romantic relationship with Nyota and the associated feelings I had begun to have for Jim.

I am glad that Nyota and I have agreed to remain friends. I love her, but in a manner that is much more platonic than what would be required in a life bond.

I am physically and mentally attracted to James Kirk. I have attempted to rationalize these feelings. He is my friend, therefore it is logical to enjoy him.

At the same time, I realize that my pleasure at his presence is more pronounced than what could be considered normal. I believe this is because my human half is searching for a replacement for the now reduced emotional attachment I had with Nyota. Logic dictates that, with further meditation, this will pass, but for some reason, I do not believe it will.

I have no empirical evidence for this assumption, and I must set it aside. I have duties to perform and I must have a clear mind. _Kaiidth_. What is, is. I will come back to this conundrum when I have more time.

After a grueling mission and eight more meditative cycles, I have come to realize that I am illogically, but undeniably, in love with my captain.

…

We successfully completed a brief diplomatic meeting this evening, and Jim and I returned to his quarters for our customary game of chess. I could tell something was troubling him, but more importantly, I could feel it.

"Jim, what is disturbing you?"

"Nothing, Spock. I'm fine."

"While I am merely a touch telepath, you are projecting forcefully. If you wish me to cease my questioning, please alert me. However, if I am not mistaken, I discern that you are upset with me."

When he looked up at me, it was obvious that this information dismayed him. "It isn't your fault, Spock."

"I'm sorry, Jim, but I must ask you to explain how such an occurrence is possible."

"How it is that I'm upset with you, but it isn't your fault?"

"Indeed."

"That's me being illogical. A human failing."

It was clear to me that Jim did not wish to speak about his feelings. I could not discern why. Perhaps it is because he does not believe a Vulcan would understand. However, I could also tell that his emotion was deep-a thing that troubled him. The irrational part of me wanted to pursue the subject, and I decided not to stop myself.

"Jim?"

"Yeah?"

"I am not wholly unfamiliar with human failings."

Jim studied me in silence for a moment, and a strange thing happened. He smiled. His smile grew and he leaned forward. "Are you telling me that it will worry you if I don't tell you what's wrong?"

"Yes. It will."

"You amaze me, Spock. You really do. I want to tell you, but I can't. Not yet. Can you accept that?"

I felt my head tilt in the way it does when I am puzzled. I have tried to stop myself from making this gesture, but I have failed. I almost smiled, but I managed to maintain a reasonable amount of control. I have observed that my training is often strained in Jim's presence. I fear that he will notice my weakness. I fear that I will ruin our friendship. My meditation does not relieve me, and I am vexed by these anxieties.

"I conjecture that I have no other choice."

"You most certainly don't," Jim said, "but I don't want you to worry, Spock."

"I assure you I will attempt to control myself."

"I never doubt it."

…

If Jim's confidences in me were deserved, I would perhaps be asleep at this moment. However, I have never been less in control of my emotions, and I cannot make my mind set aside the desire to understand Jim's irritation with me. More irksome still is my inability to cease fantasizing about his lips and his fingertips. I do so wonder what it would be like to kiss him in the manner of both our cultures.


End file.
